Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Know where I can get more patience, mine has run out

Last night was our final night of PRIDE training!! Grant & I began the night very hopeful, you see, last week we asked the social worker teaching the course if there was a possibility to have our homestudy conducted in Woodstock (everyone else in our course is almost done their homestudy) and she sounded very hopeful and offered to do it herself but needed to ask her manager. When we showed up last night for the course the room was decorated for a summer camp program with tropical fish hanging from the ceiling, many of which are included in the mural we painted in the nursery - we thought that was a positive sign...well, that's where all the positives ended. In conversation with one of the other couples we learned that our recruitment worker from Waterloo (the one who is done her mat leave position July 20th and is part of the reason why we need to wait 6-9 months for another worker to pick up our file) was conducting their homestudy in Woodstock. I was in complete shock and then after the course ended the instructor pulled us aside and said her manager said "no." So many emotions flooded my thoughts, that I had tears running down my face the entire car ride home - how could it be that our worker from Waterloo doesn' t have time to conduct our homestudy, but she's doing it for a couple in another jurisdiction (spoke w/her today and learned she works privately for Woodstock on the weekends), I was angry at the manager that would not allow our homestudy to be conducted in Woodstook, I was angry that Grant & I can't conceive, I was so mad at the characters from "Knocked Up" (saw that on Monday and cried more than laughed) that got drunk one night and slept with a complete stranger and then got pregnant. I was mad that the guy character in the movie was a drugged up loser, while Grant is the most amazing husband and will make the most loving, caring and nurturing father. I was so angry that teenagers and addicts are able to get pregnant and Grant & I are being dragged through coals, hoops and mud just to be considered as adoptive parents, then these pregnant teenagers and addicts get to pick who would be best suited to raise their child. I am so discouraged, frustrated, angry, mad and completely out of patience. I wondered when I would run out of patience...well, it's gone. So many of our friends are announcing pregnancies...when will it be our turn to announce we are also expecting? Why can't God just give us our baby now? Grant & I are so ready for this, we even have the nursery ready, what is He waiting for? I am just so tired and out of energy.


Torpesco said...

Very sorry to hear about your troubles. Too many negatives have been thrown into the mix for you. :(

- James L.

jordin said...

What you are going through is incredibly painful on so many levels. I dont know why any of us have to go through this horror of infertility... or why some beautiful children are given to unfit parents. And then i look into my daughter's room and i am reminded of the answers. I would never have a daughter or know her love without the pain (excruciating at times). Keep going. God will help you walk on water, when the time comes.