I wonder if there's a phobia to describe my new fear...

It's been a while since Grant or I wrote on here and I'm apologizing in advance to the men who read our blog b/c this is a "female" post...

For those of you who have ventured into the world of "trying to conceive" you probably know all too well the joys of waiting in anticipation for your long awaited moment of ovulation and then suffered through the two-week-wait to see if your efforts were successful - for 36 months I followed that same cycle over and over again. It was about 3 months ago I sat across the table from the fertility doctor and heard the news that my body (as it is now) is unable to support and nurture a fertilized egg. The first month following the news, I found myself hoping the doctor was wrong and Grant & I would be able to conceive all on our own with no medical intervention but that month ended with severe cramping, clots and heavy bleeding...and then the next month came and went and this month my emotions and my fears surfaced (ask Grant, I just started crying in the car driving home from Home Depot!)...I've started to completely avoid the days in and around ovulation because I don't know and the doctor wasn't able to tell me with certainty that I haven't been getting pregnant and the months I experience severe cramping, clotting and heavy bleeding (as this doesn't happen every cycle) was my body rejecting another fertilized egg. People have asked Grant & I why we don't pursue the surgery that was recommended for him and the treatments recommended for me...I am afraid. I am afraid of the constant anticipation and loss. I am afraid of what the drugs & procedures will do to my physical and psychological health. I am afraid that it will finally be confirmed that my really bad period months are in fact early miscarriages. Grant & I know in our hearts that pursuing adoption is right for us and we are confident God is leading us and guiding us down this path and through our adoption journey.