On this Christmas eve it's almost impossible not to be reminded that Grant & I are still just a family of two, with two adorable cats. There are moments when I celebrate Christmas with the masses, trimming our tree with ornaments collected during our travels and bringing out our Christmas plates, towels and place-mats...Then, there are moments where I am reminded again that Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. As I sat in church this Christmas Eve joining in the great celebration of Christmas and reflecting on the beauty of the gift of Christ’s birth I found myself fighting to hold back tears. Tonight, this Christmas, this December, I am reminded that Grant & I have an empty place in our family. It was last December we first met with the fertility clinic to begin the investigative testing. It was last December we decided that we were going to pursue adoption instead of fertility treatments (We didn’t receive the results of all the tests until February, but we both knew in our hearts that something wasn’t right because we had already been trying to conceive for a few years). What is it about Christmas and holidays that makes being childless so difficult? Is it watching the excitement on the children’s faces when they see Santa or the fun I had picking out gifts for all the special children in my life? Is it taking a group picture with my extended family and noticing that Grant & I are the only couple without children? Or is it waking up Christmas morning and preparing our traditional Christmas morning waffle breakfast, for just the two of us again…
On Christmas day we sat around the tree at Grant’s parent’s home opening gifts like we do every year and one gift brought me back to the emptiness I felt the night before – My in-laws received the thoughtful gift of a family portrait to be taken and they suggested we wait to take the portrait until after my sister-in-law’s baby is born (she’s expecting in May), I would’ve suggested the same thing. A gift of a family portrait is a wonderful gift for parents, something I did for my own parents the first year I graduated from undergrad and finally had money to give them something a bit more, but it was also another reminder that Grant & I will be the only childless couple and we have no anticipated due date to plan for.
As I sit here in a rocking chair in an empty nursery, I can’t help but wonder if the only babies who have and will ever get to use this room are my god-daughter and nephew. With 2007 quickly coming to an end I am not feeling very hopeful for the year ahead. I know Grant & I were told that our home-study may begin in January, so we have one potential thing to look forward to. But 2007 also began with many hopes and dreams for a great year. I naively thought that the adoption process would proceed smoothly and without delays and waitlists. Grant & I submitted our adoption application package in January and met with our recruitment worker immediately. We thought we’d have our baby in our arms by the end of the year and we prepared our home (& I began my stroller obsession!). I but it just seems as if 2007 went by with constant disappointments, emptiness and frustration and all the positive memories have been overshadowed and buried. I don’t know if I have the strength to endure another Christmas and New Year’s like this one and the last one…
My cat Carson must’ve sensed my sadness and my need for a cuddle because he just came into the room, snuggled onto my lap and is purring away as I finish my post.
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